tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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