i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
