I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Come on in and take your pants off
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