some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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