I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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