So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I wish there were birth control emojis
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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