So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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