Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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