Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
