I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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