I'm so fucking centered right now
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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