Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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