why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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