Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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