I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
