I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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