My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
