I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
