Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
