Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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