Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
