Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
