I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
