I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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