Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
