Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
