I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
