Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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