I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
