Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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