So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Boobs speak an international language.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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