Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
