I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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