Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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