Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
