do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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