I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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