well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
