I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize