No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
