It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
