note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
