The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
