I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
