After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
