your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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