Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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