OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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