For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
