i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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