just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
