You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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