Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
