I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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