Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So squirting runs in the family.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
