And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I skipped work to stalk him.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
