I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
